Happy Thanksgiving I can only give credit for this to my sister-in-law, she sent me the e-mail. Please read on about The Parrot.... A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" HAPPY THANKSGIVING Patriot Act (brief political analysis) I just finished reading a short article about a court ruling that now prevents the FBI from demanding your Internet Service Provider (ISP) release records/information about you to the FBI without a subpeona. Up until the ruling, as a result of the Patriot Act the FBI could call/write your ISP, demand all their records (e-mail, etc.) about you and direct the ISP never to tell anyone- all without a subpeona. Privacy? Gone. Unreasonable search and seizure? Gone! The court ruled that this clause of the Patriot Act violated the First and Fourth Amendments (check up on your Bill of Rights) and told the FBI to pound sand and get subpeonas from now on. Soooo.... I thought I would check out what other nuggets the Patriot Act (and our government) bestowed upon our electronic existence. First off, here's a (albeit slightly liberal) breakdown of the Patriot Act. It's written in English and not Congress-speak like the first link. Are you ready? Learn about the FBI's Carnivore tool. It's been around since 2000 and allows the FBI to connect to your ISP and collect EVERYTHING that passes through their wires. The information in the link was obtained via the Freedom of Informaion Act (FOIA). Even more interesting is the NSA's Eschelon system. Similiar to Carnivore, only on a much larger and invasive scale- cell phones, etc. Parnoid yet? The Patriot Act allows a "secret search" to be employed- no warrants, no warning. Here's the exact wording, "(When the court) finds reasonable cause to believe that providing immediate notification of the execution of the warrant may have an adverse effect." In otherwords, if we don't tell you we're coming, you won't run away. Hmmm... How about removing a clause a from the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act that previously allowed the government to Carnivore (used as a verb) "an agent of a foreign power." That clause has been removed via the Patriot Act, so the government can now Carnivore (verb again) "for any investigation to gather foreign intelligence information." I guess my Blog is at risk now. I hope you get my point. I don't want to beat this up too much- Big Brother really is watching (OK, that sounds a little too dark). Carnivore, Eschelon, and The Patriot Act, while extremely boring and (at times) confusing, have a lot to do with you and the Internet. You owe it to yourself to be informed. If you are concerned, find a website that can explain these things in terms you understand. Decide on your own if they are good/bad tools and rules. I learned several new languages the other day. The Internet is an absolutely wonderful place. On Tuesday I learned, Klingon, Elmer Fudd, Pig Latin, Hacker, and Bork! Bork! Bork! It all happened on one website- Google.com. If you visit the link above, it will take you to the preferences page for Google. There you will find a box that let's you select your Interface Language. That box has some really unique languages: Klingon. Did you know the Klingon word for Web is "Daqmey pat" (said with the appropriate amount of forceful disdain)? Using Elmer Fudd, I could search "Gwoups". I wasn't as well versed in Pig Latin, as I was a kid. I got "ostlay enay imay erchsay esultsray" Hacker. I performed a "n0rM4L s34rCh" in this language with no problems. By far, my favorite was Bork! Bork! Bork!. If you remember the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show (new Muppet website), you'll die laughing. Although I couldn't read half the words on the site after I changed to that language, as soon as I said them out loud like the Swedish Chef would, I understood everything. I now feel much more enlightened and worldly after that visit to Google. My Interface Language is now set to Elmer Fudd (people get annoyed when I talk like the Swedish Chef to no one in particular). Guest entry from Coporate America The following was sent to me from a good friend that works for Boeing. It proves that, no matter the size of the company, the priorities are still the same. I'll leave the name out to protect his/her identity: It's very possible the MyBoeingFleet.com (MBF) website (is) the largest, most heavily used, highly visible website in the aerospace industry. There are, like, Terabytes of data available, over 40,000 users worldwide, and 3 million hits per month.
What I learned is this:The MBF Portal can go down. You can melt the server(s) that the Engineering Drawings are stored on. Delete all the 737 Service Bulletins from the site. Anything!!!!!
In case you think I jest, all these things above have really happened.
And the Boeing Employees associated with the implementation, training, and support of the MBF system will (rather stoically as well, I might add) go through their jobs with a certain detachment in the face of disaster, calmly addressing the perils of our business environment.So, GO AHEAD!!! Have an Earthquake in Bellevue!! Burn down the building where the servers are! Let a Tornado rip through the backup site in St. Louis! Dare Mt. St. Helens to let 'er RIP!!! A GIANT FLOOD!!!!!
Rest assured, that we will calmly address the situation in a professional manner, re-assuring our customers worldwide (as Kevin Bacon did in Animal House) that "All is well."
But, break the coffee machine on the 4th floor of the South tower in the 11-14 building...
And let the madness erupt!I'd like to thank our guest contributor for his/her candor and insight. I think we should all pray to the Gods of Caffeine the coffee machine doesn't fail and Armageddon befalls the 11-14 building. Bank Robbery Does anyone else remember when banks actually worked to get your business? I remember the days of toasters and blankets. Heck, even keychains and pens would be nice once in a while. Not anymore though. In fact, banks don't even give us interest on our checking accounts any more. Ok. Ok. If you have more than $25,000 in your account (I don't know about you, but I sure don't) you can get 2.125% interest. Let's see, that's $531.25 compounded annually (on $25k). That's probably the bank balance for 80% of America. Yeah, I can see how that would put a bank under. Especially when they charge that much in FEES! TO EVERYONE! Ooops. Sorry. A little pent up hostility. I might as well give my bank my Visa number so they can just charge my monthly fees. How's that for irony? NSF check charge $25/per check NSF fee on the account $30/month Below "minimum balance" charge $8/month ATM charge $1.50/use Let's say I have one NSF check in a month. According to the rules above, that would be $63 in charges. But wait, I also used my ATM card 25 times (not unreasonable for me). Another $37.50 in fees. YES! Over $100 in fees per month. In six months I would wipe out that $531.25 balance. I know I paint a bleak picture. Banks aren't that mercenary nowadays. My kids get the "minimum balance" fee waved every month because they are minors. I can't help but think about the banker suits in glass office towers looking down on the rest of us like we're ants at a picnic. Listen up Mr./Ms. Banker-In-The-Sky, "I want my interest-bearing checking account back! Either that or I am going to start burying my money in the yard and stuffing it under my mattress. Let's see how you can collect fees when there is no money in your bank." I could potentially save thousands of dollars! Get robbed. Mugged. Go broke. Killed. Oh never mind. Now that the shock has worn off I did it. Now I'm rather proud of myself. If you would've asked me how I felt the morning before it happened, I would probably have said, "Not a big deal." Translation- "Absolutely terrifying." My wife kept asking me, "Nervous?" "Nope." A lie. "Really?" "Really. Really." I borrowed that line from Shrek. I was scared though. Tough guy exterior was turned on full volume. What was it? Mr. Vasectomy. The big V. Snip! Snip! All non-neutered males can now cringe and protect their units. I won't give you a blow-by-blow recount of the procedure. Just suffice it to say that was one hour of my life I won't soon forget. I will however, pass along the highlights.... Sign this paper saying you want to be sterile. Okay. My wife continually asking me if I wanted her to stay during the procedure. I would say "No," or "That's okay. You don't have to." The questions persisted until it was abundantly clear that this was one of those moments that women use to measure how much we love them. I relented and let her stay. She was great. She didn't watch. She didn't giggle. And she didn't turn green. You don't have to wear a stupid hospital gown- Just your shirt and a pair of socks. Nothing else. Oh yeah, and a really large paper towel across your lap. Novacaine. If you don't like the dentist, you won't like this. Local anesthetic. I got to joke with the surgeon the whole time. He even told me to stop making him laugh. I thought that was really good advice since he was squeezing my left testicle at the time. Male assistant during the procedure. Whew! No worries about woodies. I am also now completely sure I am not gay. The right side was no problem. 15 minutes and he was done. The left side was a different matter. A lot of "hmmms" and "I've only seen this a few times before." from the surgeon. I hope he was being complimentary. No such luck. Apparently there were some plumbing issues. It took two more shots, another incision, a cramp in my surgeon's hand (the one that was squeezing my testicle), and about 45 more minutes. The surgeon's final comment, "Couldn't have been too much of a problem. You have three kids." Recovery. Lay on your back for the rest of the day and have two bags of frozen peas- one to keep Johnson on ice, and the other in the freezer. Ready? Swap! The next day I still didn't feel like moving. One more day and I was a cowboy walking after a long day's ride. I made it to work the following morning. I'm so excited. In another six weeks I get to spit in a cup and see if the surgery worked. If it did, WOO HOO! Look out wifey! If it didn't, I get to go back and do it again. If that's the case, I hope there is a money back guarantee. First Day o' School The air is a little cooler. The mornings a little crisper. My oldest daughter is bouncing around the house like a superball. School starts today! If I could harness and sell the energy my oldest daughter had last night, I would have more money than Enron. No more fear of the unknown for her. She wanted to get back into studying, homework, and tests... NOT! How about recess, friends, and trading lunches? My son also gets his first taste of education in pre-school today- he gets to go meet his teacher. He has all the anxiety I remember as a kid starting school. I'm sure that's where Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt (the FUD factor) came from. This morning I get to watch high school kids parade past the office on their walk to Kent-Meridian. It's quite a cross-section of humanity- nervous looking wads of freshman, cell-phone toting "beautiful people", geeks with back packs, and jocks struting their Air Jordans. I've seen more baggy clothes this morning than I have wandering through Pioneer Square. I'm still trying to figure out why it's cool for your underwear to show above your pants (male and female). That mystifies me. Please tell me I didn't make those kind of fashion statements when I was in high school. Never mind. Somewhere there are pictures of what I wore- Levi's, Izod, Vans. I know. The more things change, the more they stay the same. One more thing. I now see blue spots in my eyes from the number of new bright white tennis shoes I've seen. It's like watching flashbulbs from cameras at the Olympics' opening ceremony. I guess things really don't change.
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